mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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