I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
