Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
