im about as happy as oj after his trial
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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