I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
