just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
