i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
