I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
