there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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