On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
