I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
