Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
