I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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