just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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