This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
