This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
