I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
