I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
