Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I cut my penus on the lid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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