smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
