the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
