So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
