Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
