I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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