I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
