my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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