I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
