You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
