i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize