Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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