am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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