Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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