At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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