Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
