thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
