I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
