This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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