I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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