Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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