What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
