I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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