wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
