On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
