dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
