I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize