Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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