If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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