he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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