So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
