I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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