she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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