was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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