u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
