Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
