I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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