There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
