My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
