Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
