I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
