I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
