Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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