She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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