just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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