I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
