i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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