my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
