she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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