i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
