Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
